dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
