Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
