help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
