Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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