before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
