i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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