i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
