Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
