I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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