Whod you bang
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
