you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
