Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
