i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
