he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES