I'm so fucking centered right now
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE