can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.