okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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