so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
