I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have tasted many bathrooms
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
