I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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