enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
