The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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