He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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