closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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