I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
