Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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