I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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