My friends, they love my intelligence
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
