The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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