Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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