yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
