We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
