Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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