i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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