I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
