I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
