I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
