I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
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and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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