His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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