everyone is single if you try hard enough
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
