So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
