just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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