When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
