Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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