I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
