Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He better not be in your backpack
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
