I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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