Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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