I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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