Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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