I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
