I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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