Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
