In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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