From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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