Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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