Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
