After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
